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  “Sorry, I’m good now,” Kurt says, but I’m clearly thrown off and the line goes quiet for several awkward seconds.

  “Look, if it’s a bad time …” I feel really uncomfortable now.

  “I was just lifting my grandma,” Kurt says nonchalantly.

  “What?!” I must’ve heard him wrong.

  “I live with my grandma, and she’s ill. I take care of her.”

  “Oh,” I reply. I am stunned. “Is she going to be okay?” I think of my mom and how she might never recover. Will Kurt’s grandma experience the same fate?

  “She had a stroke and has a hard time getting around now. I have to help her get in and out of bed. And I do lots of the cooking and cleaning. She can’t use half of her body.”

  “Whoa,” I say, sucking in my breath. “Where are your parents?”

  “My grandma’s raised me since I was two. I have no idea where my parents are. They are both drug addicts.” The way he states it so matter-of-factly, I realize how wrong I’ve been about him, thinking he’s just a slacker who doesn’t care about school. “By the way, how is the visit with your grandma going?”

  Oh, crap. I forgot about my lie. What do I tell Kurt now? He’s been so honest with me and has told me so much already, it feels wrong to keep lying to him.

  “Kurt, I know this looks bad, but my grandma isn’t actually visiting.”

  “Uh … okay?” There’s no mistaking his confusion.

  “My mom is sick and in the hospital and she’s all we have,” I blurt. “I don’t even know my grandma, but it was easier than telling you that I’m alone with my little sister while my mom is fighting for her life.”

  “That’s rough,” Kurt says softly. “I’m sorry. Is she going to be okay?”

  “That’s the thing,” I reply, my voice shaking. “I don’t think so.” And then I break down into tears. They fall hard and fast and I sob into the phone while Kurt listens. Being a teenager and having to be the one in charge of your family is something he understands, and he tells me so.

  Chapter 6

  Friday morning I hand in my first journal entry to Mr. Letts:

  Life isn’t always what you think it’s going to be. You grow up thinking you’re normal, that you’re like every other kid, until you realize one day that you’re not. You’re not like anyone else around you. And the others just don’t get it. They’ll never understand you or what you’re going through, because they are actually lucky enough to be normal. Meanwhile you struggle and fumble on because you believe there’s hope for you and your life. But what if there isn’t? What then?

  When the bell rings for the morning break, I do a quick walk around the school to look for Kurt, but he’s nowhere to be found. I think of our conversation last night. It must be his grandma. He’s probably mis­sing school again. Amanda and Danika are whispering to each other and giggling by the entrance. This time, thankfully, they’re looking the other direction from me, toward a group of grade twelve guys who are glancing their way. It’s awful that I want to avoid them, especially since they are my friends. I mean, Amanda is supposed to be my best friend. Heaven knows, I could sure use one right now.

  I decide to head to the hospital. I scurry to the crosswalk at the street and wait at the bus stop. I have to talk to Mom, and I don’t want to do it with Ellie around. Sure, I’ll miss second and third period, but I’ll deal with the phone call home later. After all, it’s not like Mom is going to be there to answer the phone.

  When I reach the hospital, I enter through the sliding doors and the smells instantly assault me. I hate the smells of sickness, of blood, of antiseptic, and of all things medical. My stomach churns again and I fight the urge to gag. I hear the sounds of monitors beeping and the wheels of stretchers squeaking over the tiled floors. I try not to stare at the patients who are walking around in their hospital gowns, some of them dragging IV poles. I avert my eyes and stare at the ground.

  When I get up to Mom’s room, she is sitting up and sipping a cup of tea. Despite the shock of seeing her attached to an oxygen tank all of the time now, she looks good, and I feel a wave of hope at the sight of her. Her face lights up when she sees me, and I’m happy I’ve come. Then she realizes I should be in school, and her face falls a bit.

  “Jayce, why are you here?! Is everything okay?”

  “Everything’s fine, Mom. I had to visit without Ellie. This was the best way.”

  “But you need to be in school,” she admonishes.

  “Mom — I’ve got this. Don’t worry about it,” I mutter back, though this might not be true. “We need to talk about Dad. And some other things.” She stares back at me with her big, beautiful eyes, and I can tell that she knows what I’ve found.

  “I found the box. The one in the wall.”

  She nods but doesn’t say anything.

  “I found the pictures, and your birth certificate …” I don’t mention the love letters, because I feel like it’ll just hurt her more, though she must know that I’ve read them. She stays silent and just studies me.

  “What about my grandparents, Mom?”

  She sighs and folds her hands on her lap, but does not answer.

  “Please. It’s time I knew more. Especially if we don’t find Dad.” I know I sound a little whiny, but I’m sixteen years old and there have been a lot of secrets. It’s time I hear more of the truth. Mom lies back on the pillow and closes her eyes. She sighs again. I can tell that the wheels are turning in her head — as though she’s debating how to continue.

  “Please, Mom. It’s important.”

  “I was just a little older than you when I left home,” Mom says. “I didn’t get along with my parents a lot of the time. They were very strict and had a lot of rules — far more than any other kid I knew. I wasn’t allowed to do a lot of things growing up. My parents didn’t believe in TV, so I wasn’t allowed to watch it. We weren’t allowed to join sports teams or school clubs. We weren’t even allowed to attend our friends’ birthday parties …”

  “What?!” I exclaim. “Why?”

  “My dad had been raised in a strict home himself, and he figured that he should raise his kids the same way. We were miserable. We only got to see our friends during school hours. When we left school, it felt like we were going back home to a prison. Dad didn’t like doing any activities with us. He wasn’t into board games or cards, and when we tried to create our own fun, he got upset at the noise.”

  “Who is ‘we’?” My mind jumps to the boy standing beside Mom in the photograph.

  “My brother. Your uncle.” Mom’s voice shakes with emotion, and she chokes back tears.

  “Is he the one in that picture?”

  She nods. I don’t even have to describe the photo. She knows exactly which one I’m talking about. “His name was John.”

  “Where is he?”

  “As we became teenagers, we wanted to spread our wings. We were tired of living cooped up in our house. We lived on an acreage on the outskirts of town. In Meadow Lake. It was so quiet and boring. John and I talked all the time about how life would be when we could finally leave and move to the city. We started rebelling. My parents tried to tighten the reins even more, but it had the opposite effect.” Mom swallows and takes a deep breath. “John was a great kid. So funny and full of life. Everybody loved him.” She catches a tear on her cheek with her finger.

  “One night, John snuck out of the house to meet up with some friends. They were drinking and speeding down some deserted country roads. The car ended up flipping and two of the four kids died.” Mom starts crying openly now. “John was one of them.”

  I sit on the edge of her bed and touch her shoulder. I can’t imagine what it’d be like to lose Ellie.

  “John and I had been so close,” Mom says. “After he died, everything changed. Our family was never the same. Dad started drinking; Mom would barely get up in the morni
ng. I stopped coming home most days, and, for a while, my mom and dad didn’t even seem to notice. Every step back into that house was a reminder of John and what we’d lost. And all of the memories the two of us had from being cooped up in there together.”

  “So then what happened?” I ask.

  “Some girlfriends and I decided to sneak out one night and drive to the city without our parents knowing. My first night there, my girlfriends and I went to this bar to hear some live music. We put on our nicest clothes and did our hair and makeup, hoping we’d be let in, because of course we were too young.”

  “Did you get in?”

  “They let us in just as the band was coming out. And who walked out on that stage but the most handsome man I’d ever seen. He was wearing tight jeans and a black T-shirt, and when our eyes met, he winked at me. I thought I was going to fall over. When the band was done playing, your dad walked right over to me. He said, ‘I’m Joe,’ and then he invited us out with them. It was like we fell in love instantly.”

  “I thought my parents wouldn’t even know I was gone. I’d gotten away with it so many times by that point, or maybe they’d just stopped caring. But when I went back home with my friends the next morning, I found out my parents had called the police.”

  “Whoa. Crazy,” I say, hanging on to her every word.

  “My dad screamed at us when the car pulled up about how worried we’d made our parents, especially because an entire group of teen girls hadn’t made it home by morning. ‘Are you trying to get yourself killed, too?’ he’d yelled. Although I was just trying to have some fun and get away from the grief, I wondered if he was partly right. I’d stopped caring about a lot of things after John died. But the thrill of meeting your dad changed things for me. He was something to be excited about. I had his phone number and I’d call him whenever I had the chance. I had to call him without my parents knowing. Your dad was five years older than me, and my parents would never have approved. Then, a month later, they found out, because the phone bill came and all of our long-distance calls were listed. They nearly hit the roof. By then, I was feeling sick all the time and I’d missed my period. I soon found out I was pregnant.”

  What?! Mom got pregnant with me that first night with my Dad? This information is shocking to me. My mother, who has always seemed so responsible, so level-headed … pregnant at seventeen after one night with someone she’d just met? It is almost too much to digest.

  Mom catches the shock on my face and laughs. “Nobody is perfect, J.J. And I was lonely after John died. My dad wasn’t the greatest father figure. I was desperate for love and attention.”

  I try to nod my understanding, but it seems so CRAZY.

  “And your dad … well, he was turning into a rock star. In him, I saw a chance at a better life. A chance to leave Meadow Lake and my boring life. A chance to travel the world.”

  “Did you get pregnant on purpose?” I have to ask. Was I supposed to be her ticket out of there?

  “No!” Mom exclaims. “Are you kidding? I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to have you as soon as I found out — there was no doubt about that — but I was only seventeen. It wasn’t exactly in the plans.” I wait through another coughing fit and hope that Mom will continue the story. It is a part of my life I’ve never heard, and I’m riveted.

  “My dad ordered me out of the house when he found out I was pregnant. And my mom just stood there crying, letting him force me out. I couldn’t believe he was willing to cast me aside just because I was pregnant. He told me to never show my face there again — that I’d brought shame to the family. He asked me how I could do this to them, as though it was the worst thing that could have happened to me. I know the circumstances weren’t ideal, but I also knew that your dad and I had fallen deeply in love, and I thought I could make it work. Your dad tried talking to them and assuring them that we were really in love, but they hated him at first sight and didn’t even give him a chance. I didn’t have a lot of choices, so I left for the city.”

  “And your parents just let you leave? They were ser­ious?” I ask, incredulous. “They’d already lost their son, why would they force away their daughter, too?” I feel a flash of anger toward people I’ve never met. No wonder she’s never talked about them. No wonder the topic has been off-limits.

  “They were hurting, I guess,” Mom says. But I can see that she doesn’t really count this as a viable excuse. “My dad was the boss. We didn’t go against him. In all these years I’ve never spoken to them again.” Tears slide in quick succession down her pale cheeks. She looks so tired and worn, and incredibly sad.

  I wrap my arms around her and envelop her in a strong hug. She seems so thin and frail, and I want her to feel my love wrapped around her.

  “I want you to know that from the moment I found out I was pregnant, I wanted you.” Mom looks at me pointedly. “You are the best thing that ever happened to me, J.J. The best gift I could have ever received.”

  I smile and pull her close again. “Did you go live with Dad, then? Did he want me?”

  “We moved into our little place. Dad adored you. He had a special name for you. He made it up on the day you were born.”

  “Yeah, I know. Jaybird,” I say, rolling my eyes.

  “He loved you very much, Jayce. He was around unless he was on tour.”

  “Which was ALL of the time,” I point out.

  “Things weren’t perfect,” Mom agrees. “And the past few years … well, I have no answer for that.” She’s referring to the fact that he left us for good. That Ellie has never even met our father, that he doesn’t even know that she exists. That she’s been the one to manage everything all on her own. Mom lowers her head and her lips tremble. “I’ve always tried to do my best by you girls, and yet I know it wasn’t quite enough.”

  “You are amazing, Mom,” I tell her, my voice ser­ious. It’s like I’m finally realizing how difficult it must’ve been for her to be away from everything she knew, with a new baby at such a young age, and a boyfriend who was barely around. She always provided for me and then for my sister, as well. She wasn’t that much older than I am now, but I can’t imagine being in the same position.

  “There’s something else you need to know,” Mom says. “I have some money saved. It’s in an envelope, in the cubby where you found the box. There’s almost a thousand dollars in there. Take it out and get what you need.” Mom’s voice falters. I can only imagine the blood, sweat, and tears it must’ve taken to save that money, and what a big deal it is to use it.

  “We need to find him, Jayce.” And I know that she’s talking about my dad.

  “What makes you think he’ll even help us?”

  “He may not,” Mom acknowledges. “But he needs to know about Joelle and what’s going on.”

  “He doesn’t deserve it,” I mutter. Mom doesn’t argue.

  “I know. I’ll find him,” I promise. I don’t know how yet, but I’ll find him.

  Chapter 7

  “Any luck?” It’s Kurt. He wants to know if I’ve made any progress in finding my dad.

  “No, not yet,” I say. “But I did get to talk to my mom about a bunch of stuff.”

  “I hope I’m not overstepping, but I did some digging,” Kurt says slowly.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, there are thirty-one J. Loewens in Canada. And four of them are in Saskatchewan.”

  I suck in my breath. Whoa.

  “I’ve copied and pasted their numbers and any address information I could find.”

  Silence.

  “Jayce, are you still there?”

  “Yeah, I’m here.” My voice is barely a whisper. Could one of these numbers be his?

  “Look — maybe I went too far. I just thought I could help,” Kurt stammers. “I should’ve minded my own business. I’m sorry, Jayce.”

/>   “No, it’s good. I’m just surprised.” I hadn’t managed to copy or print all of the listings I’d found in my last computer search, and Kurt has taken the time to do it for me.

  “Can you get away? Bring them here?” I ask.

  “Sure thing,” he says, and I can sense his relief. “What’s your address? I’ll be there right away.”

  When Kurt arrives, he greets Ellie, who is sitting on the couch watching cartoons. She is surprised and excited that we have a new visitor and eagerly chatters away with him. I watch the two of them together and smile. Kurt passes me the list while he’s discussing Max & Ruby with Ellie. She’s delighted that he’s interested in the show.

  I look down at the paper. Sure enough, Kurt has printed an entire list of Loewens with the first initial J. My heart flutters as I scan the listings.

  “I hope this is okay,” Kurt says shyly.

  “Are you kidding? This is great!” I tell him. “I can’t believe you did all of this work.”

  “I just wanted to help somehow, and I know you really need to find your dad quickly.”

  “I think he’s going to be in Toronto or Vancouver or something, if he’s still in Canada,” I tell him. “At least if he’s a successful musician and he tours a lot.” Suddenly I feel like I’m twelve years old again, trying to prove that I have a dad but he has an exciting, important job.

  Now that I have this list, I should be jumping to the phone, but all I feel is complete and total fear. What if he’s not on this list? What if he is? What then? And what do I say?

  “Do you want me to try?” Kurt asks. He looks so concerned for me.

  I want to be strong enough to do this myself, but I’m just not sure.

  “Okay. Go for it,” I say. “Just — tell him you’re calling because …” I can’t think of an excuse.

  “Because his daughters need their dad because their mother has a life-threatening illness and is really sick?” Kurt looks at me strangely, as though this should be so obvious.